Feel
by xenelle
Summary: Spike regains his soul and goes to Angel for help.


Feel  
  
A/N: Do not own Buffy or Angel other people Do not own the song Feel, Matchbox Twenty do  
  
Thanks to Akasha for her help.  
  
This is set after the end of season six of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Season four of Angel and is an Alternate Universe to the cannon.  
  
This is slash AxS if you don't like same sex relationships read something  
  
~~~~~~  
  
And now  
  
You crossed that line  
  
You can't come back  
  
Tell me how does it feel now  
  
Too late  
  
Too much to forget about  
  
Can't stop now  
  
Tell me how does it feel now  
  
I'm only asking  
  
Because I wanna know  
  
How you wanna feel (Matchbox Twenty, Feel, More than you Think you Are album)  
  
~~~~~~  
  
William, now known as Spike, looked up at the thing that gave him his soul back and then glanced warily around at his surroundings - he was in some caves it was dark. The last he thing he remembered was being in a London back alley with a brunette lady, now he was here, where ever here is. Suddenly it all came flooding back and he collapsed again. This time in revulsion at what the monster he'd become had done. He got up half an hour later and left the caves, he stood just outside the entranceway it was night. Too bad for me, he thought bitterly. It probably would be best if I was killed. It would make one less monster walking the earth. His first thought was to return to her the woman who drove him to this, to get on his knees and beg for release from this. existence, but then he realised what he'd done, he hurt her, tried to force her to. he bent over and threw up. No, I can't see her, he thought. He started heading back towards civilisation.  
  
~~~~~~  
  
Angel was sitting at his former desk, recently reclaimed since Gunn and Fred, with Wesley's help, forced Holtz's partner Justine to squeal and pull him out of the water. Everyone had gone to their homes for the night and he was brooding. They still hadn't found Cordelia, they'd gone over the route that she should have taken, plus several other less plausible ones. They'd also gone to the bluff that he and her were to meet at. They'd combed the apartment as well. Nothing. It was like she'd disappeared off the face of the planet. Which was ridiculous. No one vanishes without a trace, he told himself. Not even to other dimensions. Even if they do they usually turn up. dead, he forced himself to think the word, because he had to face the possibility.  
  
He sat up straighter as he heard a quiet noise coming from the front of the hotel, it was quiet, like someone was trying not to make a noise. He stealthily grabbed a stake from a draw in the desk and made his way over to the source of the noise. He grabbed the body and just as he was about to plunge the stake into the heart he heard a gasped hesitant "Angel?" from the other vampire. He fluidly changed his move into turning the vampire around to face him and grabbed the vampire's arms. He looked carefully at the vampire and said "Spike". The blond vampire nodded his head then quickly changed his mind as the world swam and blurred before his eyes, he cheerily announced "Yep, it'sh me," and then leaned forward and collapsed into the darker vampire's arms.  
  
Angel sighed and pushed Spike up and moved him into the foyer of the hotel and sat him down on the circular couches in the centre of the room. The other vampire muzzily went with the motion to drunk to care. "What are you doing here Spike?" Angel said in the long suffering tone people tended to adopt when speaking to Spike. Spike then tried to tell his story, he really wanted to tell him but it came out in two way one slurred and the other out of order, luckily Angel mastered Spike Drunk Talk 101 when he and Spike were younger. He pieced it together and summarized "Ok, so your telling me that you fell in love with Buffy, and the both of you had a relationship. You tried to get her back but it didn't work out. So you went to Africa to get rid of the chip and the demon gave you your soul instead." Spike nodded mournfully Angel sighed, "You came to me because." He queried "You've got stuff with thish" Spike slurred trying to work out how to get Angel to stop swaying. "Spike your drunk" Spike getting angry stepped closer and said "I'm no drun' you wouldn' dare call me drun' if I was sober" He was waving his finger at the two Angelus's trying to figure out where the second one came from. He took another sip of his Walker to help grease the wheels of his cognitive process. I'm the swaying one, he thought filled with his own brilliance at this deduction. Angel took the bottle out of his hands and he pouted and tried to grab it. "Have you fed?" Spike paled and shook his head and shuddered. "No" he breathed "not since..."  
  
Angel nodded understanding "You need to eat Spike if you don't the demon will make you. I'll get some pig's blood, and coffee." He added as an afterthought, he turned and went into the kitchen. After he got out the mugs for the blood and coffee he filled one up and heated it in the microwave and set about making an espresso worthy of sobering up Spike on a bender. He went back into the lobby and put the mugs on a convenient table, Spike was still sitting on the couch only he was trying to make himself as small as possible and shaking his head and his blue eyes had a vacant stare. He was mouthing words some were 'no' others Angel couldn't make out.  
  
The older vampire stepped forward cautiously like a person trying to not frighten away a wild best he said quietly, calming "Spike, " the other vampire didn't respond, he tried again "William" Spike looked up "Angelus?" he asked confused, Angel nodded he handed the coffee over since it was probably safer for him to drink that first, and it was easier to get out if he dropped or threw it. "Drink this" he said simply. "Bleach, Angelus what did you put in this? Its strong enough to keep an elephant awake for a year." He sipped again then unsteadily stood up to search for sugar. "I wanted you to sober up quickly it was that or a cold shower and since that went so well last time." Spike shuddered. The last time Angel had tried to sober him up by throwing him in the shower and turning on the cold tap. He decided to show his Sire just how much he appreciated that rude awakening that ended up with them having sex on the bathroom floor which led to a hot shower.  
  
He was jogged from the memories when Angel grabbed the sugar canister and put it in Spike's hand. Spike turned it over his coffee cup stopping the cascade of sugar to taste test. When he was done the canister was half- empty Angel looked at him amused and said, "You know you're going to be up all night" Spike looked at him askance. "Yeah I know," he added when he thought about what he said. "Hey peaches, I'm not the one who made the coffee from Hell." Angel sighed.  
  
"Look, do you think that you're able to eat?" Angel asked hesitantly. Spike shuddered "It's not human, when I got my soul back I starved myself until the hunger drove me to eating humans, and when I couldn't do that I pulled an Anne Rice." Angel said. Spike smirked "It's just you shouldn't go for too long."  
  
"Fine, give me the blood," Angel looked relieved, turned and retrieved the blood filled mug and handed it to him. Spike managed to drink half of it; Angel took the rest and put it back in the fridge. Spike sat down at the table and put his head in his hands Angel sat next to him. "Does it ever go away?" he said, Angel struggled for an answer.  
  
"The guilt? No, it can get easier to bear, but you'll always remember what you've done." Spike flinched, turned and looked at Angel again, studying him Angel let him. Spike moved closer he brought his hand up and tentatively brushed it over Angel's face then he moved Angel's face to his own he leaned in and looked into the darker one's eyes searching. He saw the emotions dance in their depths then he seemed to find the one he wanted. He then touched his mouth to Angel's and kissed him. Angel responded to the desperation in the kiss then broke it off and looked at the blond vampire, his blue eyes were darkened with pain and desperation. Spike whispered so quietly that if he had not been right next to him and had not had vampiric hearing, he wouldn't have heard, "Make it stop, for now. make the voices stop." Angel decided to put away the guilt he would most assuredly feel when Cordelia came back and kissed the man in front of him. Spike clawed desperately at Angel's back and then climbed onto his Sire's lap to try to get closer to the other man. He needed more contact, to distract him; to calm him; to drown out the pain.  
  
Angel's kisses tasted like warmth, compassion and empathy.  
  
Angel decided that this should be taken someplace more appropriate and hooked his arms under the smaller vampire's legs then carried him to his room. As he did so, the other vampire continued to kiss him, making little sounds of desperation and clawing at his back, his hands decided that they didn't like his shirt and as they entered the room Spike ripped it in two to get at the skin underneath.  
  
Angel found the bed in the dark and gently set Spike down on it and took the ruined shirt off. He went back to the bed and started to kiss the other vampire and used his memories of their past encounters to try to ease Spike's pain. It seemed to be working as he felt the desperation turn to desire, and the other vampire's moans as his hands ran down the front of Spike's chest. He decided to return the favour by ripping the t-shirt off the body underneath him. He heard a gasp and then a sigh as he ran his hands over the cool flesh he found there and then another gasp as his hand brushed a nipple. He smirked and started to kiss his way down the body taking his time he lapped at the blond's neck delighting in the sounds Spike made. The hands on his back clutched and then disappeared. Angel gave a gasp as the hands reappeared on his ass he looked up and saw the blue eyes now darkened with desire and a smirk on the mouth. "I don't like to be teased, pet."  
  
With that he rolled them both over and kissed his way down Angel's body, mouth following his hands as they purposefully made their way to Angel's belt. He looked up at his Sire and smirked at the look on his face, "Get on with it" Angel growled. Spike smirked and proceeded to take the trousers off. When Angel was naked he looked at his prize and started to stroke Angel's flesh, being unusually gentle for one who used to play rough; not as rough as his maker would like but rough nonetheless. Angel noticed this, and while he liked it, he was concerned, he brought the blond's head into his hands and kissed him. Angel suddenly realised what Spike meant by 'forced' and decided to make it absolutely clear that he wanted this.  
  
Spike suddenly found himself underneath Angel again, without pants, and made a brief show of rebellion but changed his mind when Angel murmured "Don't, I want to," and kissed him again. He slowly moved down Spike's body, kissing and lightly biting his way, stopping on patches of skin that looked delectable or made the blond moan, it was a long trip, he reached Spike's erection and looked up briefly and flashed an Angelus-worthy smirk. With that as his warning took Spike's penis into his mouth. Spike gasped which quickly turned to a moan and he fought not to grab Angel's hair, and lost; he ran his hands through the dark strands as Angel reacquainted his mouth with Spike's penis. He licked and sucked his way along the length occasionally stopping to kiss the younger vampires mouth and neck. He ran his hands along Spike's body feeling the smooth skin there and watching Spike's reactions, the face wiped clean of all masks and kissed him again. He kissed Spike's thighs and brought his mouth to the head of the other vampire's erection and smirked at the blond's reaction, Spike moaned his name and tried desperately to get Angel to move. He ran his hands along Spike's thighs and played with his balls as he started to deep throat the younger vampire. Soon Spike was calling Angel's name as he came down Angel's throat.  
  
~~~~~~  
  
The next night Spike woke when he heard noises downstairs. He rolled over and saw that Angel was watching him. "What?" he asked as his brain started to function properly. "Tonight is going to be an interesting night." Angel said cryptically. Spike rolled his eyes. "Oh great, I thought you'd gotten rid of all that cryptic bullshit when you started hanging out with humans." Angel chuckled and got out of bed Spike swallowed, hard, as he watched Angel's form walk across to the bathroom. Angel went and had a shower as Spike pondered the way his life turned out carefully avoiding the bad points, he'd learned to do that early on in life. His life seemed irrevocably altered but this time it might just turn out for the best.  
  
The shower noise stopped and Spike waited for Angel to emerge, he did in a cloud of steam all he could see was a pale blur with two dark spots, his hair and a black towel around his waist. Spike got up and said "Hope you didn't use all the hot water mate." And stepped into the bathroom.  
  
The mirror was all steamed up but it wasn't like he could see his reflection in it anyway, or wanted to. The cabinet was filled with all sorts of products. Three different kinds of hair styling products, deodorant, cologne, shave cream and razor and an almost astronomical amount of shampoo and conditioners. It seemed like Angel was trying every conceivable brand available once and then moved on. Spike snorted, even Darla wasn't that vain. He picked one of each at random and stepped into the shower cubical. He washed and tried to keep his mind blank. It almost worked, he didn't hear so many screams and the water didn't always run red. He almost compulsively scrubbed every single part of his body till his skin turned red and then turned the off the cold tap and let the hot water consume his skin till he felt cleansed.  
  
He went back into the bedroom and tried desperately to act normal - for him - Angel wasn't fooled but he accepted the behaviour, at least he wasn't hugging crucifixes. "You can borrow some of my shirts since yours was ruined." Spike nodded wordlessly and found a black t-shirt in Angel's drawers and put it on. Angel barely concealed a laugh and Spike glared at him, the top hung of his slighter frame. They both went downstairs and entered the lobby that served as the offices for Angel Investigations and Spike saw straightaway what Angel was so cryptic about.  
  
The other two members of the evil fighting team Gunn and Fred turned and gaped at the sight of the blond vampire. Angel looked nervous as Spike surreptitiously moved closer to the larger vampire. "Gunn, Fred this is Spike, Spike this is Gunn and Fred. They work here" Spike nodded his understanding. "Hi," he said by way of greeting he cast about for something to say or do. He saw the coffee maker and latched onto it like a lifeline "Either of you want coffee?" They nodded and he went over and made coffee, the couple went over to Angel who was looking at case files. "Isn't he a vamp?" Gunn asked and Angel nodded "Well, what's he doing here?" Angel tried to work out how to reply to that "He's been helping Buffy in Sunnydale, he had a chip put in by the government and he's now just got his soul back." He decided that the truth should work. The couple looked appropriately shocked. "How can you tell?" Fred asked looking at the vampire hovering by the coffee. "I can tell but if you want confirmation we can go and ask Lorne" Angel replied. Fred walked over and looked carefully at Spike, she'd never met him before so all she'd heard about him was from the others and she weighed what she was seeing against that she was told. His posture, while, confident had a slight slump to it. His face was carefully blank he handed her, her coffee; lastly she looked straight into his clear blue eyes. The reminded her of Angel's only more heart breaking, full of fresh pain and guilt over acts which were committed over many lifetimes ago. "We don't need to see Lorne about it" she said. 


End file.
